I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
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Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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