there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
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What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
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Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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