Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
