Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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