zippers are such a cool invention
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
