i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
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I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
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FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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