Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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