and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
