so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
