you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
