I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
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You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
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I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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