i already hear my dad disowning me
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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