I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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