your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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