We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
