this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
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Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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