Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
This is the high leading the old right now
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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