Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
