so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
