I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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