just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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