Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
