Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
