so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
