she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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