Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
