the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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