I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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