im drinking this country out of the recession.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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