Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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