lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I want to have your abortion
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
