remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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