if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
