It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
