Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
