she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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