If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
