If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
