God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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