He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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