fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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