all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
