Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
