My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
