The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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