her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
