Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
