Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
