im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
