I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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