im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize