Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
