Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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