Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
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I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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