His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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