Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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